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t m c » p u l s e | n o v e m b e r 2 0 1 6 22 I definitely wasn't sleeping. My baby nurse had gone back to Houston and she was going to return on Monday. It was Saturday and I went to put the baby down and he was so fussy. I had this moment where I was like, "Can you just fall asleep?!' And I thought something like: I want to put a pillow over his head to make him stop. All of a sudden I understood why people shake their babies. I stepped away from the crib and called my psychiatrist. Q | Were you on medication at this time? A | Against doctors' orders and unbe- knownst to my family, I had stopped taking my medication. And for a year I had been having passive thoughts of suicide. My psychiatrist said that I needed to go to the hospital. She was very calm and non-judgmental. Q | How was your treatment at The Menninger Clinic? A | I found out that I had been on the wrong medications, that I couldn't metabolize my anti-depressant prop- erly. I went to group therapy. There was a wonderful suicide resilience group and I remember the first time I sat in on it, I had to hold my hands on the chair to keep myself in the room. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest because I knew what I was thinking and I felt so badly that I wanted to take myself away from my children. Like many things, it wasn't easy to acknowledge that I might belong to a group that needed a special focus. I learned about postpartum OCD, something I thought explained my thoughts and actions. I realized that although I had thoughts about hurting my son, I was never in a place where I could hurt him because I knew there was something wrong with those thoughts—that's why I called my doctor. Q | Did you continue therapy after returning to Granbury? A | I started a support group when I was in Granbury. I had been driving an hour and a half to see my therapist, who also specialized in reproductive psychiatry, because that was all that was available. Which is horrible. She and I started a support group for moms with postpartum depression and that was probably the biggest turning point for me in my recovery. It was so incredible for me to realize that I wasn't the only person who thinks this way and who has experienced this and who feels like a bad mom for this crisis in my life. Q | How is your relationship with J.J.? A | Once we moved back to Houston, I started going to the support group that the Texas Children's Hospital Pavilion for Women offers for mothers going through postpartum depression. Being with women that were in the same place as me and had the same thing going on was very powerful. I realized that my recovery had gotten to a certain point, when my son was around nine months, that we really started to connect. My husband was out of town for two weeks recently and I did fine. I enjoyed my children. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, so it was very difficult for me to hate being a mom to this little man. I haven't totally forgiven myself, but I'm working on that. Q | What do you want other women to know about postpartum depression? A | Most people think that a woman with postpartum depression wants to kill her children and that is not the case —less than one percent of women who experience postpartum depression have those feelings. It is the number one complication of childbirth and we don't talk about it because there is a stigma attached. I am not ashamed of it anymore. That comes with a lot of familial support, a wonderful husband who encourages me every day and a fabulous team of clinicians who never once judged me. Molly Hackett LaFauci was inter- viewed by Pulse writer Britni N. Riley. CalAtlantic . Darling . David Weekley . Gracepoint . Highland J.Patrick . Meritage . Newmark . Partners in Building . Perry . Shea Taylor Morrison . Toll Brothers . Trendmaker . Triumph . Westin Downtown Greenway Galleria Med Center Fo r t B e n d P k w y New homes from the $280s! siennaplantation.com Sienna Parkway at Hwy. 6 18 NEW Model Homes Find your dream home today! Easy access to The Medical Center